Burnerblog

Today would have been the 68th birthday of my dad. If he were here, tonight would have been a lot of fun with us going to eat his favorite food, Mexican. He’d have a few margaritas, we’d laugh a lot, and end up going home to his place to play some computer golf or just chat about whatever we felt like chatting about.

I miss all that with my dad. It hurts so badly that I don’t get to spend time with him anymore, to share jokes with him anymore… or to just be in his presence. He was such an awesome guy… or as I told him on the last day I saw him face-to-face, a “helluva guy.”

I miss you, Pops, with every fiber of my being, and every atom of my soul. I wish you a Happy Birthday, Pops. I just wish you could spend it here with me.

Now I’ve gone and done it. I’ve started writing a screenplay. It’s something I said that I wouldn’t do because I so disliked the format… so what do I do? I sat down and started writing… and writing… and writing. The more I wrote, the more wanted to come out of my fingers. It was fun… and rewarding. Watching my wife and friends read it and laughing their heads off at least a few times on each page was even more rewarding and actually quite motivating. I want to do more of that.

So… what am I writing? All in due time, chillins… all in due time. I will say, however, that it’s comedy, and that it incorporates technology, Gen-X/Y culture, and friendships/relationships. It’s being developed right now as a TV series, but could easily be adapted into a movie script.

I have a few tenuous contacts on the West Coast I’ll be hitting up when I get something that “my people” feel is a final product. I’m trying to do my best to work on this a little every day. I don’t want this to languish and die. I’ve done a few other projects that I got disenchanted with or put on the back-back-back burner, but this one has got to get off the ground. It’s too funny to stay on paper alone (at least in my opinion).

It’s amazing the things we live with today that were “coming in the future” in 1993. We have come a long way… and while not every thing in the video was exactly 100% spot-on, it’s pretty close. The GPS in the car, the flat-screen TV, the on-demand video, going through toll booths without stopping… all of these are every-day facts of life in 2007, but in 1993? The closest you could get was “You Will.”

The song “Chemo Limo” by Regina Spektor got me thinking. In the opening words, she says, “I had a dream…” and tells the story of how she finds out from her doctor that she has cancer and she has a choice to make: chemo or no chemo. In the song, however, she adds a second choice: renting a limo to go out in style. Of course, there’s more to the song than that, but it made me think.

It reminded me of my dad and some of the last conversations we had. He didn’t want chemo, long treatments, or a long convalescence, even if it were to bring about a successful outcome. He wanted a fast fix, or death. He was a very proud person, and he didn’t want to be weak and at the mercy of others. This is the point I have the hardest time grasping, because it would have been no problem at all for me to take care of him, help him, be with him while he was getting treatments. I’d drive him, do whatever it would take to get him well. However, Dad was unselfish and giving to a fault. I firmly believe, based on all our conversations, that he really didn’t want to take up my life or my sister’s life with his disease. He didn’t want to intrude on our lives.

All my life, Dad has said that his job was to get us out of the house, and once his job was done, he could die in peace. This wasn’t a joke to him: he really meant it. What he would joke about every now and then was how when his retirement money ran out, he’d move in with me or my sister and become a burden on us, but it was a joke only because he didn’t expect to live 10 years past his retirement. Of this he was certain.

Sherry and I were talking about this (kind of) the other day, and it made me think as to whether my father was living out a self-fulfilled prophecy of death shortly after retirement. He talked about that all his life, as if it were a certainty. When it happened, I have to admit it was a bit creepy besides being profoundly sad. Dad always knew he wouldn’t suvive long past retirement, and he was right.

My daughter asked me about spirituality the other night, and while the conversation we had was very deep and lengthy (it could easily take up page after page here), it was also very sincere and I think comforting to her. She’s hit the age where she has seriously begun thinking of mortality, and I remember that being a scary time as a kid. We talked for about three hours late into the night, but by the end of it, she was no longer afraid or crying, and was able to go to sleep. She’s a smart girl, that daughter of mine. It’s amazing watching her grow into a young lady with ideas, tastes, and a sense of style that’s all her own. I’m so proud of her and her brother…

Speaking of style, she’s hooked on Regina Spektor now. Sherry says that it’s all my fault that my daughter is turning into a music snob. My son also likes Regina Spektor, but he’s a big fan of Basshunter, a Swedish techno artist. As for my daughter, she’s been turning all her friends on to Regina, and sings her songs all the time. I kind of like the fact that she CHOSES to listen to good music. As a kid her age, I wasn’t listening to anything on the radio: it was all New Wave, Punk, and Alternative for me. My daughter is picking up the tradition by being into Indie and Alternative music, and by introducing it to her friends. She says that kids come up to her and tell her that they admire her for her style and originality. I couldn’t wish for anything better for a teenager; to be looked up to for not being a Sheeple.

That’s right. I am a writer. I’m published. More than once, even. I’m not a best-selling author, but chances are that if you’ve worked with an HP C-Class server’s Onboard Administrator module, you’ve read the documentation (or at least looked through it). I wrote that book. I also wrote the manual for the Compaq Insight Manager training that Service personnel took to support that product, and I also wrote training for some HP Superdome servers that high-level engineers took.

Glamorous? Nope, but it’s writing. Is it creative? Sometimes… but nothing like writing fiction.

So, you’re wondering (ok, at least in my head you’re wondering): do you do any real writing? Well, when you say real, do you mean fiction? If so, then the answer is a firm yes. I have in the works two short stories and one novel. Will I preview them here on Burnerblog? More than likely not, although I haven’t yet put the possibility to rest that I may start writing some “for online consumption” stories.

“But are your stories any good?” Well, personally, I don’t think so, but others do. I’ve been asked to write for two anthologies (illness prevented me from completing the assignments early enough to get them included), and I have material being used in two colleges as examples for good writing. Published authors have been encouraging me to publish my own stories because they feel my work is up to the task. So why don’t I do it? Failure of success? I really don’t know. I think it’s perhaps because putting out something I wrote from the heart is like putting a piece of my soul on display for judgment. It’s very personal, and kind of scary.

“But what about the writing you do for work?” That’s not the same. I write describing steps and processes, but they aren’t from the creative recesses of my consciousness. These come from interviews and emails with engineers, programmers, and editors.

“So, what’s the point of this post?” I don’t know. Maybe it’s to start getting my nerve up to write more. Not here on Burnerblog (because I’ve already resolved to do that), but on my stories and novel(s). Maybe I will follow the advice of all these friends.

Now… I need to rant for a second. I know more than a few successful and published authors personally. None of them are haughty, know-it-all, or stuffy, and none of them try to make others feel inferior in conversations or social settings. They don’t judge others for being “less literate” or not well-read. Typically, they are the nicest, friendliest, and warmest people I’ve met. Why do I mention this? Because I know more than a few aspiring writers that are the polar opposites of the successful writers I’ve met. That’s not to say that their writing skills aren’t up to par nor is it to say that they will never meet success. However, many aspiring writers feel that to become succesful, they must somehow be mean, rude, snarky, and sarcastic. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s like being among the beautiful people in Hollywoodland. Be nice, be sincere, and have thick skin, and you’ll be in like Flynn. I was able to pierce the sheen of Hollywood and got to know more than a few people, some of them going so far as to calling my house for advice on jokes, pranks, etc to pull on their radio or TV shows. How did I do it? Be genuinely nice and don’t be a “fan.” Mean people suck, and even the literati and beautiful people don’t want to be anywhere near them.

End of rant… carry on and have a great day!