Last night, I was having trouble with my Internet, but already, I’ve begun without saying something I feel is very important to get off my chest before I continue any further:
Thank you, Comcast, for thinking of me; the customer. I know you’ve spent millions of dollars on research and consultants to determine how best to diffuse angry customers prior to be assisted by your trained professional customer service representatives (who are, by the way, recorded and monitored for quality purposes).
My call went something like this (and no, this is not a joke):
Them: Hello, thank you for calling Comcast High Speed Internet. My name is (insert name here). How can I help you today?
Me: Well, I have an interesting problem. You see, I was trying to access a service that is located in Germany and my connection seems to be intermittent. I did a traceroute to see if there was a problem along the way, and sure enough, the hop to Dallas was timing out at level3.com’s routers. I then VPN’d into my work network and was able to connect to this service just fine (and a traceroute revealed that they had no problems along the way and were not using level3 anywhere along the way). So, I was able to determine that the problem is with the Comcast network and not with the site. I know there’s not much you can do, but I thought I’d let you guys know so that you can get someone to figure it out and perhaps contact level3.com so they can look into it.
Them: (long pause) Umm, can you connect to the Internet?
Me: Yes
Them: So, what is your problem?
Me: (short pause, not believing what I was just asked) Basically, my computer can’t talk to Germany.
Them: You’re trying to talk to Germany?
Me: No. My computer cannot talk to sites in Germany.
Them: Is this a porn site?
Me? What? No. It’s a regular site. The problem is that if I try to get my computer to talk with another computer or server in Germany, it won’t work.
Them: (long pause) Can you connect to the Internet?
Me: Yes. I can connect to the Internet. I can access sites here in the US, but not in Germany. There is a problem with computers trying to talk to computers in Germany. There’s a bump along the way, and I was trying to let you guys know so that someone can look into it.
Them: We don’t have anyone in Germany.
Me: I know. The problem is actually in Dallas.
Them: (long pause) Umm, can you hold please? I need to talk to level 2.
Me: Sure.
I wait for about 27 minutes. Yes, I timed it.
Them: OK, so are you having trouble connecting to the Internet?
Me: (finally I snapped and realized I was getting nowhere, so I lied) Nope. It works now. Thanks!
Them: Great! Sometimes you just have to wait and these things clear themselves up. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: (I was thinking, “Besides hitting yourself repeatedly on the head with a brick?”) Nope! You helped so much! Thanks!
Them: Well thank you for calling Comcast!
I hung up and tried again. Two more times, the conversations weren’t any more insightful than the one I relayed above. I finally remembered that I’m a business class customer for Internet services, so I asked for their business customer line. I talked to them, they talked to Level3, and within about 45 minutes, everything was working just fine. At least I know their business folks are on the ball.
As for the site I was trying to access: Bounty Bay Online. lol I was playing an online game that kept timing out on me, and that is entirely unacceptable!
Then, today, my daughter said she needed a short one-person play to use as an audition for a play she’s auditioning for. I wrote the following based on last night’s experience (and of course, fictionalized it a bit):
There Are These Tubes…
By E.J. Hunyadi
I want to thank CableCo for their thinking about their customers and cheering us up when we’re having trouble with our Internet connections. I had to call customer support last night and it went something like this:
Them: Hi! This is CableCo! We’re here to help you! How can we help you today?
Me: Hi. I’m having trouble accessing a website in Germany. It seems there’s a problem talking to the German network.
Them: Are you trying to talk to someone in Germany?
Me: No. My computer is.
Them: Your computer talks to Germany?
Me: No. That’s the problem; my computer won’t talk to Germany.
Them: Um, I don’t think we can help you with that. I think you need to call the phone company. Do you have their number?
Me: (breathe) No. Not talking as in “speaking;” talking as in communicating. I was trying to simplify it for you.
Them: I don’t need to talk to anyone in Germany.
Me: Look, I was trying to let you know that there is a problem with your network, and that your network isn’t communicating properly with Germany. That’s all.
Them: Our networks don’t communicate. They do Internet. I think you’re confused. You see, there are these tubes…
Me: You’re right. Thanks very much.
Them: Thank you for calling CableCo. I hope we were able to help, and that you have a great night!
Me: Thanks! You too! You were a great help!
So, that’s how it went. I called to let them know I had a problem, and nothing got solved or fixed. Heck, I don’t think she even understood a word I was saying, but oh well… as least my phone can call Germany without a problem. I know. I tried it and it worked. At least I think it worked, ‘cause someone was yelling at me in German (or what I think was German) when I told them I was calling from America. I didn’t realize it until later that it was 3 in the morning there. Sorry!
Now, while I thought it was funny, it ended up being a bit long, so I decided to write another one based on another incident that happened here (actually, was happening as I was writing it, but my version was a bit funnier):
Noah
By E.J. Hunyadi
So, like I was sitting in my room reading Tiger Beat about Nick Jonas and the Jonas Brothers and a new show that’s going to be on Disney Channel called J.O.N.A.S. when my mom comes in and tells me I need to help her clean. HELLO! I was READING TIGER BEAT! She’s always like, “You need to read,” and I’m finally reading and she tells me to stop.
So I was like, “NO-AH!” and she says, “Noah? What? Anyway, you need to come help me clean.
So I was like “NOAH!” and she says, “Noah can’t help you now. Besides, I don’t know what he has to do with cleaning.”
I can’t believe she doesn’t understand me! I’m trying to better myself by reading, and all she cares about is a clean house. I mean, it’s not like people are coming over right now. Well, they are tomorrow, but that’s tomorrow. I tried to tell her I would wake up early and clean, but she said, “NOAH!”
She thinks she’s funny. I don’t think she is.
Anyway, I gotta go… she’s waiting on me to help clean. And she says Noah can’t help.
ɪd
