Burnerblog

I was so set on writing at least one post a day, yet I didn’t count on life getting busy. Oh well. I’ve done the cliche “I’ve been bad, I’ll post more” so I’ll spare you the pixels.

BUT… BUT… BUT…

Tomorrow is going to be a hella busy day for me. I’ve got to get my user guide (work project) out for a production review by the editors, go get my car into the shop for it’s first 5k service (yay!), take Gelli’s camera in for LCD replacement (she dropped it and broke it), go get some money back from Best Buy due to the 30 day money-back price guarantee, and then pay my car note. While I’m at it, I may take a look at a Fender Jazz Bass I’ve had my eye on for a few days since finding one at a GREAT price, but that’ll depend on how much I spend getting the car serviced and how the budget holds up. Oh yeah… I’m supposed to pick up some Monster Mats for the car tomorrow, too. I may not get that Jazz Bass just yet afterall.

Oh, I went and saw Southern Culture on the Skids with Sherry, Stevie, Anita, and Lawrence at The Continental Club on Saturday night. It was a lot of fun, but I had a stomach ache and some nausea from something I ate at The Spaghetti Warehouse. Coupled with the tall asshat who thought nothing of standing right in front of us (while he could have moved three feet to the right and blocked no-one’s view), it made for not the best evening. The band was great… music was great… but the stomach and the inconsiderate asswipes kind of made it not as awesome as it otherwise would have been. So how did I take care of my stomach? By agreeing to go to Waffle House with the crew. Eggs, hash browns, and sausage. Does the stomach good.

My stomach hurt almost the entire next day while I watched the NASCAR race, but was better by the time we went over to Stevie and Anita’s for beans and corn bread.

What? “pictures + right whales penis” is in yesterday’s search phrase list.

Today, the leader is “sci-fi costumes” and “the predator.” And yes, Haley Bennett is on the list, too (in four different places depending on spelling and if they were looking for photos of her topless or not).

I heard once that Chuck Norris went to visit Evel Knievel to learn how to improve on his badassness. Chuck was but a young pup, fresh off attaining his first level black belt, but something was missing. So he went into the garage where Evel was preparing a bike for an upcoming jump when Evel looked up at Chuck. Chuck looked down at Evel. Evel said, “Get me a wrench; 7/16th’s.” Chuck got the wrench. Evel, without so much as blinking an eye, took the wrench, and then threw it at Chuck. “You come here wanting to learn to be a badass and you fetch me a wrench? You are not ready, grasshopper.”

That was the last time Chuck Norris ever fetched anything for anyone. Evel Knievel was so badass that he told Chuck Norris to fetch a wrench for him, and he did.

It’s rumored that Evel Knievel was visited by Chuck Norris on his deathbed. As Evel lay dieing, Chuck tearfully asked if there was anything he could do to help his friend. Evel leaned up and said in a weak voice, “One last cup of coffee would be great.” Chuck stood up, poured a hot cup of coffee, and handed it to Evel. Evel took the cup and with his last bit of strength, threw it at Chuck Norris. Evel’s last words were, “Chuck, you pussy. Have you not learned anything in the past 40 years?” and with that, Evel died.

Chuck then went back to his ranch and initiated a lawsuit against the publishers of a book containing Chuck Norris jokes, having misinterpreted Evel’s dieing words as “Chuck, you’re busy, and you may not know this, but they’re making fun of you in a book. Can you fix it?” How he inferred this out of the actual words is anyone’s guess, but no-one questions the inner workings of the Norris brain. You just nod, smile, and get the hell out of the way (or else his laser beam eyes will cut you down where you stand).

They are good. Really good. I usually don’t eat snack (actually, I don’t EVER eat snacks), but I have some left over “driving aids” from our trip, one of which is a full jar of honey roasted peanuts. I forgot how much I like these damned things!

Also, I designed some t-shirts/stuff. If you’re a TRUE geek, you’ll get it. D&D playing experience is a must to get the humor, as is the love of gadgets, gear, and games. Go HERE to check it out. HERE is Stevie and Sherry’s favorite product. Coming soon: mugs and other “stuff” to go with the design (maybe a new font?).

Last night, I was having trouble with my Internet, but already, I’ve begun without saying something I feel is very important to get off my chest before I continue any further:

Thank you, Comcast, for thinking of me; the customer. I know you’ve spent millions of dollars on research and consultants to determine how best to diffuse angry customers prior to be assisted by your trained professional customer service representatives (who are, by the way, recorded and monitored for quality purposes).

My call went something like this (and no, this is not a joke):

Them: Hello, thank you for calling Comcast High Speed Internet. My name is (insert name here). How can I help you today?

Me: Well, I have an interesting problem. You see, I was trying to access a service that is located in Germany and my connection seems to be intermittent. I did a traceroute to see if there was a problem along the way, and sure enough, the hop to Dallas was timing out at level3.com’s routers. I then VPN’d into my work network and was able to connect to this service just fine (and a traceroute revealed that they had no problems along the way and were not using level3 anywhere along the way). So, I was able to determine that the problem is with the Comcast network and not with the site. I know there’s not much you can do, but I thought I’d let you guys know so that you can get someone to figure it out and perhaps contact level3.com so they can look into it.

Them: (long pause) Umm, can you connect to the Internet?

Me: Yes

Them: So, what is your problem?

Me: (short pause, not believing what I was just asked) Basically, my computer can’t talk to Germany.

Them: You’re trying to talk to Germany?

Me: No. My computer cannot talk to sites in Germany.

Them: Is this a porn site?

Me? What? No. It’s a regular site. The problem is that if I try to get my computer to talk with another computer or server in Germany, it won’t work.

Them: (long pause) Can you connect to the Internet?

Me: Yes. I can connect to the Internet. I can access sites here in the US, but not in Germany. There is a problem with computers trying to talk to computers in Germany. There’s a bump along the way, and I was trying to let you guys know so that someone can look into it.

Them: We don’t have anyone in Germany.

Me: I know. The problem is actually in Dallas.

Them: (long pause) Umm, can you hold please? I need to talk to level 2.

Me: Sure.

I wait for about 27 minutes. Yes, I timed it.

Them: OK, so are you having trouble connecting to the Internet?

Me: (finally I snapped and realized I was getting nowhere, so I lied) Nope. It works now. Thanks!

Them: Great! Sometimes you just have to wait and these things clear themselves up. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: (I was thinking, “Besides hitting yourself repeatedly on the head with a brick?”) Nope! You helped so much! Thanks!

Them: Well thank you for calling Comcast!

I hung up and tried again. Two more times, the conversations weren’t any more insightful than the one I relayed above. I finally remembered that I’m a business class customer for Internet services, so I asked for their business customer line. I talked to them, they talked to Level3, and within about 45 minutes, everything was working just fine. At least I know their business folks are on the ball.

As for the site I was trying to access: Bounty Bay Online. lol I was playing an online game that kept timing out on me, and that is entirely unacceptable!

Then, today, my daughter said she needed a short one-person play to use as an audition for a play she’s auditioning for. I wrote the following based on last night’s experience (and of course, fictionalized it a bit):

There Are These Tubes…

By E.J. Hunyadi

I want to thank CableCo for their thinking about their customers and cheering us up when we’re having trouble with our Internet connections. I had to call customer support last night and it went something like this:

Them: Hi! This is CableCo! We’re here to help you! How can we help you today?

Me: Hi. I’m having trouble accessing a website in Germany. It seems there’s a problem talking to the German network.

Them: Are you trying to talk to someone in Germany?

Me: No. My computer is.

Them: Your computer talks to Germany?

Me: No. That’s the problem; my computer won’t talk to Germany.

Them: Um, I don’t think we can help you with that. I think you need to call the phone company. Do you have their number?

Me: (breathe) No. Not talking as in “speaking;” talking as in communicating. I was trying to simplify it for you.

Them: I don’t need to talk to anyone in Germany.

Me: Look, I was trying to let you know that there is a problem with your network, and that your network isn’t communicating properly with Germany. That’s all.

Them: Our networks don’t communicate. They do Internet. I think you’re confused. You see, there are these tubes…

Me: You’re right. Thanks very much.

Them: Thank you for calling CableCo. I hope we were able to help, and that you have a great night!

Me: Thanks! You too! You were a great help!

So, that’s how it went. I called to let them know I had a problem, and nothing got solved or fixed. Heck, I don’t think she even understood a word I was saying, but oh well… as least my phone can call Germany without a problem. I know. I tried it and it worked. At least I think it worked, ‘cause someone was yelling at me in German (or what I think was German) when I told them I was calling from America. I didn’t realize it until later that it was 3 in the morning there. Sorry!

Now, while I thought it was funny, it ended up being a bit long, so I decided to write another one based on another incident that happened here (actually, was happening as I was writing it, but my version was a bit funnier):

Noah

By E.J. Hunyadi 

So, like I was sitting in my room reading Tiger Beat about Nick Jonas and the Jonas Brothers and a new show that’s going to be on Disney Channel called J.O.N.A.S. when my mom comes in and tells me I need to help her clean. HELLO! I was READING TIGER BEAT! She’s always like, “You need to read,” and I’m finally reading and she tells me to stop.

So I was like, “NO-AH!” and she says, “Noah? What? Anyway, you need to come help me clean.

So I was like “NOAH!” and she says, “Noah can’t help you now. Besides, I don’t know what he has to do with cleaning.”

I can’t believe she doesn’t understand me! I’m trying to better myself by reading, and all she cares about is a clean house. I mean, it’s not like people are coming over right now. Well, they are tomorrow, but that’s tomorrow. I tried to tell her I would wake up early and clean, but she said, “NOAH!”

She thinks she’s funny. I don’t think she is.

Anyway, I gotta go… she’s waiting on me to help clean. And she says Noah can’t help.